Okay, for anyone who has children, known children, or been a child, this is TOO funny... Lizard Birthing Story
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth"
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked!
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breeched," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" suggested scientifically.
Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, it wont EVER happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um....masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back.
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... Excited," my wife offered.
Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle and giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - lizards - $140..
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winky - Priceless...
Saturday, July 08, 2006
MOMENTS IN LIFE .......
MOMENTS IN LIFE
There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!
When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don't see the one
which has been opened for us.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human, and
enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way.
The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.
Please send this message to those people
who mean something to you ;
to those who have touched your life in one way or another;
to those who make you smile when you really need it;
to those who make you see the
brighter side of things when you are really down;
to those whose friendship you appreciate;
to those who are so meaningful in your life.
If you don't send it, don't worry,
nothing bad will happen to you;
you will just miss out on the opportunity
to brighten someone's day with this message!!!
Don't count the years--count the memories...........
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away!
There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!
When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don't see the one
which has been opened for us.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human, and
enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way.
The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.
Please send this message to those people
who mean something to you ;
to those who have touched your life in one way or another;
to those who make you smile when you really need it;
to those who make you see the
brighter side of things when you are really down;
to those whose friendship you appreciate;
to those who are so meaningful in your life.
If you don't send it, don't worry,
nothing bad will happen to you;
you will just miss out on the opportunity
to brighten someone's day with this message!!!
Don't count the years--count the memories...........
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away!
BE
Be understanding to your enemies.
Be loyal to your friends.
Be strong enough to face the world each day.
Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone.
Be generous to those who need your help.
Be frugal with that you need yourself.
Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything.
Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.
Be willing to share your joys.
Be willing to share the sorrows of others.
Be a leader when you see a path others have missed.
Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of uncertainty.
Be first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds.
Be last to criticize a colleague who fails.
Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not tumble.
Be sure of your final destination, in case you are going the wrong way.
Be loving to those who love you.
Be loving to those who do not love you; they may change.
Be loyal to your friends.
Be strong enough to face the world each day.
Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone.
Be generous to those who need your help.
Be frugal with that you need yourself.
Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything.
Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.
Be willing to share your joys.
Be willing to share the sorrows of others.
Be a leader when you see a path others have missed.
Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of uncertainty.
Be first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds.
Be last to criticize a colleague who fails.
Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not tumble.
Be sure of your final destination, in case you are going the wrong way.
Be loving to those who love you.
Be loving to those who do not love you; they may change.
Before You....
Before you think of saying an unkind word
Think of someone who can't speak
Before you complain about the taste of your food
Think of someone who has nothing to eat
Before you complain about your husband or wife
Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion
Today before you complain about life
Think of someone who went too early to heaven
Before you complain about your children
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren
Before you argue about your dirty house; someone didn't clean or sweep
Think of the people who are living in the streets
Before whining about the distance you drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet
And when you are tired and complain about your job
Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another
Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down
Put a smile on your face and thank God you're alive and still around
Life is a gift
Live it...
Enjoy it...
Celebrate it...
And fulfill it.
Think of someone who can't speak
Before you complain about the taste of your food
Think of someone who has nothing to eat
Before you complain about your husband or wife
Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion
Today before you complain about life
Think of someone who went too early to heaven
Before you complain about your children
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren
Before you argue about your dirty house; someone didn't clean or sweep
Think of the people who are living in the streets
Before whining about the distance you drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet
And when you are tired and complain about your job
Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another
Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down
Put a smile on your face and thank God you're alive and still around
Life is a gift
Live it...
Enjoy it...
Celebrate it...
And fulfill it.
Believe
Believe while others are doubting.
Plan while others are playing.
Study while others are sleeping.
Decide while others are delaying.
Prepare while others are daydreaming.
Begin while others are procrastinating.
Work while others are wishing.
Save while others are wasting.
Listen while others are talking.
Smile while others are frowning.
Commend while others are criticizing.
Persist while others are quitting.
Plan while others are playing.
Study while others are sleeping.
Decide while others are delaying.
Prepare while others are daydreaming.
Begin while others are procrastinating.
Work while others are wishing.
Save while others are wasting.
Listen while others are talking.
Smile while others are frowning.
Commend while others are criticizing.
Persist while others are quitting.
Principles Of Life
* Winning isn't everything. But wanting to win is.
* You would achieve more, if you don't mind who gets
The credit.
* When everything else is lost, the future still
Remains.
* Don't fight too much. Or the enemy would know your
Art of war.
* The only job you start at the top is when you dig a
Grave.
* If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for
Everything.
* If you do little things well, you'll do big ones
Better.
* Only thing that comes to you without effort is old
Age.
* You won't get a second chance to make the first
Impression.
* Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes.
* Never take a problem to your boss unless you have a
Solution.
* If you are not failing you're not taking enough
Risks.
* Don't try to get rid of bad temper by losing it.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
You.
* Those who don't make mistakes usually don't make
Anything
* There are two kinds of failures. Those who think and
Never do, and those who do and never think.
* Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to
Win.
* All progress has resulted from unpopular decisions.
* Change your thoughts and you change your world.
* Understanding proves intelligence, not the speed of
The learning.
* There are two kinds of fools in this world. Those
Who give advise and those who don't take it.
* The best way to kill an idea is to take it to a
Meeting
* Management is doing things right. Leadership is
Doing the right things.
* Friendship founded on business is always better than
Business founded on friendship.
* You would achieve more, if you don't mind who gets
The credit.
* When everything else is lost, the future still
Remains.
* Don't fight too much. Or the enemy would know your
Art of war.
* The only job you start at the top is when you dig a
Grave.
* If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for
Everything.
* If you do little things well, you'll do big ones
Better.
* Only thing that comes to you without effort is old
Age.
* You won't get a second chance to make the first
Impression.
* Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes.
* Never take a problem to your boss unless you have a
Solution.
* If you are not failing you're not taking enough
Risks.
* Don't try to get rid of bad temper by losing it.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
You.
* Those who don't make mistakes usually don't make
Anything
* There are two kinds of failures. Those who think and
Never do, and those who do and never think.
* Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to
Win.
* All progress has resulted from unpopular decisions.
* Change your thoughts and you change your world.
* Understanding proves intelligence, not the speed of
The learning.
* There are two kinds of fools in this world. Those
Who give advise and those who don't take it.
* The best way to kill an idea is to take it to a
Meeting
* Management is doing things right. Leadership is
Doing the right things.
* Friendship founded on business is always better than
Business founded on friendship.
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